Am I observing me or the IDEA of me?

6 min readAug 8, 2024

I was recently reflecting on some of my past experiences when it hit me…….

It hit me that most of my observations were judgements that were the difference between who I am and the idea of who I am. I realized that I carry a pocket mirror of the idea of me wherever I go. The mirror is a constant reminder of my failure to live up to who I’m meant to be. This gap between who I am and the idea of who I am steadily became so big that my power of observation was simply observing the gap that existed between the two.

For example,

I went out drinking with friends and ended up having 4 drinks more than what I intended to. My reflection on this event would be

“You promised yourself that you would only have 2 drinks. Why do you let yourself loose like this? You should not go out for sometime given clearly you’re not capable of saying no to alcohol when with friends.”

This narrative takes away my freedom to observe myself, accept myself and improve myself as a result of it. If I instead detached myself from the idea of me and simply observed myself, my reflections might sound like,

“Okay, you set out a clear intent for the night and didn’t live up to it. There are environmental factors that overpower you like going out to a club with friends and your mind reinforces past associations of drinking with friends. This is fairly predictable. Perhaps next time, we will try a different approach of getting soda instead of alcohol which will still allow you to enjoy drinks, just not alcohol. Maybe we do this enough times that the mind forms new associations at which point your environment will be a benefactor to your intention. Let’s try this out — no stress!”

Another example,

I stopped working out for a few weeks after I left CrossFit. The voice of judgement, under the guise of observation, started clamoring,

“What the hell are you doing? You don’t want to go back to the old ways, do you? You’re a bloody fit person, get moving!”

It is simply reinforcing the idealistic image of me.

However, if I just observed myself, I would find out that my body was bored of high-intensity workouts it had been enthusiastically engaging in for the past 3 years. It was craving something different, something that aligned with its evolution. The silent evolution was moving towards finding balance, mobility & flexibility. It was moving towards enjoying slower intentional movements and all I had to do was let it guide me to it.

There are so many seemingly trivial situations that are also laced with judgement and completely erode the possibility of observing yourself and in turn, getting to know yourself. One of the examples that might be more relatable is the way we observe ourselves in a social situation. We all at one point fear not being socially accepted for our behavior and who we truly are. Instead of judging ourselves for not “talking more” or “saying the right things” or “saying the wrong things”, imagine just observing yourself here. The power of observation will allow you to interrogate yourself with questions & study your own patterns which will reveal deeper insights into who you are.

“It seems like you feel exhausted when you’re in a room full of strangers when you’ve had a long week at work.”
“It seems like you worry what people think of you when you’re feeling anxious which is usually an emotion that is a result of prior overthinking.”
“It seems like you feel most comfortable when hanging out with people when you’ve taken care of yourself. You seem more present & alert.”

Maybe as a thought exercise, think of the last time you replayed a past memory of you and what the narrative of that memory in your mind was — judgement or simple observation?

The difference between the power of judgement & the power of observation is massive. The first one simply accentuates our flaws & is not even our own — it is probably a voice that was a group effort of our entire society growing up. The voice of judgement commands us to be someone we’re not. It gives us ideals to live up to and frames us in strong lights when we don’t live up to it. Before you know it, the voice of judgement becomes so loud that it’s the only one we know.

There is a keen observation I made for myself on this voice of judgement. The voice of my judgement is pretty loud, clearly very concise & easy to pay attention to. It is shouting in my ears when I fall short of its expectations and at times, it can be hard to tell it to tone down when it really looses it’s shit. It’s not hard work to pay attention to it.

However, the voice that truly guides my actions is very soft. It is completely possible for us to ignore it all our lives if we don’t pay close attention to it. It doesn’t shout, it doesn’t yell, it doesn’t have anything to prove really. It simply guides our will which is guided by our inner desires which in turn guides our actions. It does its work, regardless of whether you hear it or not. However, when you develop the penchant to hear this soft voice, it can reveal a lot about you.

These past 29 years I thought I knew a little bit about myself, but it feels like I’m only just beginning that work with only recently realizing that true reflections come from a place of placid observations.

The applications of observation can apply not just to yourself but others and reality as a whole. If we simply observed people for who they are instead of constantly weighing them up against our expectations of who they should be, imagine the insights we would be gifted with. If treating the world outside of you is just a reflection of the treatment you give to yourself, then that extension would make perfect sense.

Imagine we begin to simply observe reality. As is. No expectations. No judgements. Just as is.

Ray Dalio mentioned in one of his books that, “Happiness is simply the difference between reality & our expectations of reality” which means the alignment between your expectations & outcomes is what determines how happy you are. That leads me to ponder how we can achieve a longer-lived contentment than ethereal happiness if we simply let go of the expectations. To me, it seems like expectations are nothing but a distortion of reality, thereby rendering them of little use towards enhancing the quality of one’s life. However, they seem to be so deeply ingrained that it might be one of the hardest things to do in life yet necessary.

This realization has also made me see how my relationship with my mother has been so poor owing to the expectations I’ve had of her all my life, instead of accepting her for who she is. This is all theoretical knowledge until I learn to apply it in the most emotional aspects of my life so here, Ashna the Explorer, picks up her bag of knowledge and readies to go out on an expedition to see whether the knowledge she has gathered can be transformed into lived wisdom.