Holding Space For Myself
As I write yet more words that lay my internal world bare for the world, I find solace in this sacred part of myself that always holds space for me to just be.
I feel a tug of intense emotions that have the power to drive irrational action & behavior. I keep it inside of me and let the pressure steadily build up. I avoid thinking about the root of these emotions because a part of me continues to judge me. A part of me is always questioning myself, judging myself & feels disgusted by my present state. So I keep the emotions tightly wrapped within me, near the walls of my heart. I feel the heaviness like a cloudy day in my internal world.
This is until I start writing & talking out loud.
I ask myself, “Why are you avoiding thinking about the reason you’re feeling like this?”
I tell myself, “Because it comes from a place I don’t want to be in.”
And a conversation begins….
“But I can feel that place regardless. Why are you hiding from me?”
“I thought I’m not capable of feeling this. I’ve worked on these emotions and I’m frankly embarrassed that it’s still coming up.”
“Who are you embarrassed of? It’s just me! If you can’t trust me, then maybe I haven’t done a good job at being friends with you.”
“I feel judged. It’s all like a messy swarm of thoughts, words & feelings.”
“Then you talk about it. With me. You say it out loud.”
“How?”
“Just say it. Or write about it. I want you to know that I will always hold space for you. No matter what you’re going through. This relationship that I have with you knows no judgements, no rationality, no paradigms of righteousness. I want you to come to me as you are & know that you will always be accepted FOR WHO YOU ARE in that moment.”
“Even if I don’t like who I am in this moment?”
“YES! That’s really where our friendship begins.”
“So this negativity I feel inside…. What do I do about it?”
“Nothing. Let it wash over you. Like a wave.”
“It won’t affect me?”
“Oh it will. But then it will pass.”
“What if it stays?”
“Then, you will ride it like a surfer. You will go where it takes you. You will journey with it. Then come back with what you found & integrate it within yourself as you see fit.”
“So emotions are like a wave, and I can surf on these waves as deep as they go, then come back to the shore & make my way home.”
“Where you’ll find me. Holding space for you. To hear which wave you found.”
