In The Cracks
For far too long in my life, I’ve wanted to prove myself.
Through prizes & accolades in high school,
Through grades and the competitions,
Through distinctions and the society’s nod of approval.
I was just a little girl, desperate to prove her worth to her dad.
I was just a little girl, who didn’t believe she could be loved if her worth wasn’t proven.
I was tough if my dad thought I was tough.
I was smart if my dad thought I was smart.
To this day, I find phantoms of my dad in the world, to prove myself to the phantoms.
To somehow prove to this world that I matter. That I am worth it.
Between who I am and the image of myself I chase,
I truly exist.
When I stop to hear a stringed instrument on the street.
When I swim in deeper waters.
When I write to find expression.
When I meditate with a chatterbox mind.
When I dance to my inner rhythm.
When I speak to be understood, not to be heard.
When I’m curious, to discover & know more.
When I laugh with a roar.
When I train my body.
When I get lost in a book.
When I love.
When I obey my inner voice.
When I listen.
When I evolve.
When I’m truly present.
No one to tap me on the back, but myself.
In these moments, I temporarily escape the urge to prove. And, accidentally, I truly exist.
Maybe, in this escape, I will continue to find myself.
In trying to prove myself to the world, I follow the age-old route handed to me by the society,
“Fake it till you make it.”
Somewhere along the way, I fall through the cracks in the route.
Well, falling through the cracks is one thing.
I hurl myself further in the cracks as I beat myself up for falling through the cracks in the first place.
As I try to climb up, I place the blame on the world or myself, for falling, yet again.
However, as I climb up, I see that I stand on a shaky ground, ready to knock me over in the cracks again, as the urge to prove myself to someone other than me awakes.
The road signals to keep walking ahead. Ahead on the “Fake it Till You Make It” route.
But, I choose to stay in the cracks.
Something in me says I must learn to climb out with responsibility & compassion, in hopes of building my route anew.
I don’t know where this route goes or how it needs to be built.
I only know that I must listen to my inner voice.
The gentle whisperer.
For when I stand up on the ground again, it wouldn’t have been to prove something.
When I begin to walk my route, I will not fear falling down the cracks, as much as climbing out of the cracks, with compassion.
The world is constantly hoping for us to become something.
Yet, the promise of discovering who I truly am is the treasure I seek.
To be, not to prove.
“Know Thyself” — Socrates
