Meeting You Where You Are, Not Where You Want To Be
It struck me recently when I heard the majority of chatter in my mind start with “You SHOULD be doing this” that I’m usually always benchmarking my behavior to the ideals I hold for myself. For example,
If I eat a packet of chips, my mind’s alert signal goes off saying, “You SHOULD NOT be eating this. Choose almonds instead.”
If I don’t meditate in the morning, my mind will violently nudge me saying, “You SHOULD NOT be starting your day without meditation. You really need to discipline yourself.”
If I let myself make some choices that yield short term pleasure, my mind is not so silently reminding me, “You SHOULD NOT be making decisions that tilt towards short term pleasures.”
If I buy an expensive article, my mind will sarcastically say, “You SHOULD not be spending this money. Consumerism is getting to you.”
Now the challenge I started seeing in this chatter was first that clearly I wasn’t ALWAYS doing what I was theoretically meant to be doing.
Secondly, I was still repetitively making the same decisions but combining it with a feeling of guilt, which makes my choices even worse.
Thirdly, I was undervaluing massively the value of balance & kindness to one self in life.
There is a massive gap between my reality which is defined by the choices I make in the present versus the reality I’ve created in my head of myself, ie. the story I narrate to myself of myself. The problem is that story works really well when you’re trying to change your identification for the better, however, when the delta increases or the story is too far fetched, you can start to feel gaps in your own identity. You can start to question everything about yourself which is YOU in order to match the story you’ve authored of YOU.
Now there is nothing wrong with the story, as long as it accommodates for where you are in the present as well as where you would realistically want to be in the future. For example, a story with a huge delta or prone to breaking would be someone who spends every dollar they make and the story they tell themselves is,
“I will be a millionaire one day.”
The way I will be approaching this is firstly to observe myself in the present with no expectations. Observing the choices I make, the traits I exhibit and the emotions I feel, without the pressure of conforming to my own ideals. This is a big step because I need to let go of my own expectations of myself, which is a VERY HEAVY BAG. In this process, all I have is trust in myself. This is where I’m at in my journey.
Secondly, to narrate my story with words that naturally allow for flexibility & change & do away with permanency of words like always.
/Instead of saying “I always make good decisions for my health”, I say, “I value my mental & physical wellbeing”.
/Instead of putting myself in a box with a statement like “I am a good daughter & a good friend”, I can say, “I value authentic connections”.
/Instead of saying “I am a deep communicator”, I say, “I value connecting deeply with people”
Most of all, the theme of my story will hereforth be, “I am always evolving” to make space for my values & identity to evolve with time. The way you frame your story can have such a deep impact on the way you relate to yourself.
As you can see above, all sentences that start with “I AM” create an implication on your identity directly. However, all sentences that start with, “I value” immediately create space between your values & your identity, since values are an extension of your identity.
Lastly, to always remember to add a dash of humor & honesty to the story I continue to create for myself. When making bad decisions, make them with pride & a sense of responsibility, but all the while saying to myself “I thought someone said they were done partying last week?”
I am a work in progress, and will be for the rest of my life. The more I understand & embody this, the closer I can get to who I am in the present rather than chasing the illusive ideals I’ve constructed for myself.
Afterall, I want to be friends with myself in the present, the one who makes poor choices sometimes, the one who is afraid to let herself down, the one who can constantly contemplate decisions of the past, the one who is flawed. She is real. The idealistic version is not.
Ending this with a quote from the beloved, Rumi,
“You think of yourself as a citizen of the universe. You think you belong to this world of dust and matter. Out of this dust, you have created a personal image, and have forgotten about the essence of your true origin.”
