Outgrowing Parents

As I sit here under a magnificent tree, journaling about my feelings towards my parents arising from a recent quarrel, I am suddenly inspired to blog about it to connect with all those who have been feeling/have felt the same way. It’s been such a beautiful experience to have my friends and friends of friends read my blog and tell me they resonated deeply with it. It inspires me to not only write about some of the hardest chapters of my life but also provides me comfort in the fact that I’m not alone in this. I feel instantly connected to all my readers because imagine not knowing anything about each other but knowing that we’ve gone through the chapter of life where we outgrow friends and family. That’s deep stuff. So thank you all for giving me the courage for writing about one of the hardest themes in life — Outgrowing Parents.

My parents called me yesterday to resolve a trivial quarrel that erupted at home. This was completely ordinary — nothing unexpected. As I tried my hardest to keep my calm and listen to them, I realized that they were merely speaking over each other, leaving no room for listening to either me or any one else. This really frustrated me because instantly I knew that the purpose wasn’t to resolve the conflict but merely to ignite it. As I tried to listen and play my role as a mediator, I felt strong emotions rise within me. Anger was steadily creeping up on me and a few minutes in, I erupted. Then they erupted harder. Before I lost my cool completely, I hung up. I wasn’t going to go down that road again. I promised myself.

It’s been 8 years now since I moved out of my house and a lot has changed since then. I used to call my parents three times a day when I was studying at University which steadily reduced to once in 4 days at present. This was necessary. I realized that I was often left with residual thoughts, unresolved emotions and lots of guilt over something or the other most times I spoke to them. I just didn’t like feeling this way, so far away from home. In those days, I’d be glued to the phone because I knew my parents wanted that — they missed me and they wanted to feel like they were a part of my life. However, it wasn’t doing me good and I didn’t really know what to make of it. Steadily, I started dialing down the expectations by disappointing them more. I realized I had set expectations too high by promising a call every few hours so I started intentionally disappointing.

This had two major benefits:

• I was loosening the grip of the unhealthy cycle “I have to do this to be a good daughter — I have to make my parents proud” which made me do things to be constantly validated as a good daughter
• I was starting to set the expectations low which meant doing less to meet their expectations

This was really a game-changer tactic. Fast forward to this day, they expect me to call once a week which works really well. I’m not frantically trying to prove myself to them or trying to phone them every hour even when it has no apparent outcome.

While I applaud the parents who grew with their children and realized that they were going to change and the best you could do was TRY to understand them and mentor them. However, yet many set of parents believe that change is an illusory idea. They clung to the idea of their children’s personality from a certain age and never want to let it go. This means if you acted in a way that didn’t meet the character sketch they have of you in their minds, they simply didn’t understand. How could it be? At 18, you loved ice-cream and at 28, you don’t? How is that possible?

It’s a tough one to address because in their world, they haven’t really paid attention to the idea of evolution and things have remained static in their environment. So how do we bridge the gap between our world and theirs?

One thing that comes to mind instantly is doing what your gut tells you is right. For a topic like this, there’s never going to be an answer that applies unanimously to all. In my situation, I have chosen to prioritize myself. This is primarily because I see the adverse effects of not doing so — when I am grappling with their expectations of me or trying to make them understand an alternative viewpoint. It’s a hit or miss but most of the times, it’s a miss.

Maybe we can coexist in love and peace if we only learned how to share parts of us that are resilient and flexible enough to keep that bridge between our worlds standing while also protecting the parts of us that are not strong enough to go through it again. Maybe those parts of us become our new parents. Maybe we do outgrow our parents and their worldviews but learn to love at a safe distance. Maybe we have to zoom out to see that these relationships come packed with opportunities for growth like none other. Maybe no parent-child relationship is perfect like the books made it out to be. Maybe all are just learning to live with each other’s imperfections. Maybe all are trying to individually find their purpose in life while finding their place in such intricate relationships. Maybe we might be the very parents our children blog about.

In so many maybes, the only navigation I have is of my intuition. Paying homage to two amazing individuals (ie. my parents) who came together to give me birth and tackle the challenges of life together, I have an endless ocean of gratitude for you both. However, I can only ever swim in it twice a month. On those two times, we shall meet and quarrel like the old times but for all others, I shall go back to sunbathing by the ocean.

Ending this blog with a little wisdom from Walt Whitman:

“Whatever satisfies the soul is truth”