The Estate of Instagram
I observed myself in relation with Instagram over the past three weeks and I couldn’t help but write about it. Instagram has become such a cornerstone of health, wellbeing, connections & relationships that one is forced to look deeper into this seemingly innocent application.
When I had only just landed in New Zealand, I told myself,
“I’ll be off the grid from the moment I land”
However, I convinced myself that it was better to uninstall Instagram after a few days so I can still feel connected to my friends. One day after, I was back at sharing snippets from the life experiences I was having through posting stories on Instagram. I told myself,
“I will only do it insofar it allows me to be present”
but I disrupted my presence in quite a few instances to simply post a story of what I was experiencing. Now, I genuinely love posting stories because my social circle is very fortunately made up of wholesome human beings, all of whom I genuinely cherish from my heart, and our stories keep us connected to each other through an invisible thread.
For example, I will open Instagram and watch Kalen’s story featuring Teigan having coffee and I’ll think to myself
“Okay I like how rested she looks. She might be off from work today.”
Or Ana will post a story of her dogs and I’ll instantly know that she’s having a self-care day with the dogs. Or Tomas will post a story of himself experimenting with yet another innovative way of projecting visuals and I’ll laugh thinking,
“Maybe he’s getting all this time to create because we’re not home!”
We don’t need conversations at this moment to stay connected. Simply looking at their stories makes me feel connected which is the beauty of Instagram.
Now you take this a step further, which I always do, sharing a couple more experiences after telling myself I’ll only be posting this one time. Now, I want to post about my new tattoo & this big beautiful dog I’m staying with and the mountains I can glimpse from my window. There is nothing wrong with the act of sharing, however, it does warrant you to look further when it starts to become an urge.
After a couple of days, it did become an urge. I wanted to find aesthetic angles to click and post about. This urge was combined with the feeling of being pulled out of present. Despite this feeling, my hands continued to fool my mind & continued to reach out for the phone before my mind had a moment to say,
“Hello? I thought you were off the grid?”
After posting a story, comes the predicament of responses. I tell myself I only share stories for the sake of sharing my experiences. I could be wrong. The moment I see a few hearts on my story, I feel an instant elation and start smiling looking at the list of people who’ve left me a heart emoji. This is primarily because I appreciate their effort to connect going one step further, by leaving a heart. In my mind, it means they Xtra connected. I always admire that.
The corruption comes in when I start looking for those hearts in whatever I post. I don’t even get to know when this feeling creeps in slyly. It goes from Xtra connected to sniffing heart emojis for the sake of it pretty quickly. I catch myself wanting to pick up my phone a few times after to continue to see how many heart emojis a story got. The wise mother inside me laughs at me and says,
“Kid — why are you fooling yourself? Accept you can be a victim of these emojis & move the fuck on with whatever you’re doing.”
The rebellious kid inside me responds,
“I promise to check my phone one last time!”
That one last time never comes.
Now on the third day, I realize I will continue to be in this pattern so it’s best I delete the application. Which I did. A few moments after, I had completely forgotten about it. I’m not sure if this is universal but for me, I get conditioned to life with Instagram (by that I mean installed on my phone) and without pretty quickly.
We spend the next couple of weeks exploring the wilderness of South Island. I was present in every single moment, from the time I woke up to the sounds of waves till the time we went to sleep, underneath a sky full of stars. Time to time, I would share a snippet of our experience, with the pure intention of sharing with my loved ones and instantly after, uninstall the application for if I didn’t, I would open it and open it again to check for the emojis (Xtra connection).
The week I landed in Melbourne, I promised myself to be extremely mindful of my usage of Instagram. I told myself,
“Practice mindfulness. Be aware of your intention when your hands reach out for the app merely to kill the present moment. Build this discipline through repetition.”
That one week of being mindful was bliss. My mind was already pretty calm & composed from the effects of nature in New Zealand and I continued to extend this through engaging in life with calmness & mindfulness.
This week, I felt calm & clear. This is how I felt every day of this week -
- Morning meditation — Present. Calm. Nowhere to be but here.
- Work — Tackle one priority at a time. Tasks will never be over. No point overwhelming yourself by thinking of them all. Find flow by doing one at a time and doing it well.
- Workout — Feel each movement. Feel each muscle. Connect with your body & the pain.
- Moments of boredom in between — Look after your plants. Play with Cersei. Look around. Read.
- Writing — Find your flow. Take a deep breath & let the words flow.
Obviously I’m only human so I thought, clearly I’m capable now of introducing Instagram again. Clearly I’ve found my zen & obviously my zen is more powerful than Instagram.
Here’s what happened with the same routine, when I started using Instagram without discipline (which is undoubtedly mixed with other factors too) -
- Morning meditation — Still calm but thoughts take a while to dissipate. Mind can feel chaotic sometimes. Takes me way more time to find balance before I’ve lost myself into meditation.
- Work — Focusing on a task and instantly reaching out for Instagram. I tell myself, just a few seconds, and go back to the task at hand. Now, my mind is feeling the jitters. I can feel it wants more of that. I try to focus even harder. A few minutes go by before I’m able to bring back that focus again. A few seconds of Instagram has cost me a few minutes just to readjust again. I tell myself, “Finish this task and your reward is checking Instagram” so I finish it. Check Instagram. Go back to the next thing. I feel the urge to check it again.
- Workout — Mind takes a while to come to the body’s pace. Body moves but mind remains blurry for a while before it manages to align with the body.
- Moments of boredom — Instagram.
- Writing — Mind takes a while but eventually spit a few words out. My heart jumps a beat thinking about posting a new blog, then I remind myself, “It’s not about posting but the joy of writing itself.”
I stand at this junction, where I’m starkly aware of the profound effects of Instagram on your mind which is the stage for everything in your life, yet, I struggle to find the balance & strength which is so needed in skillfully maneuvering this seemingly innocent application. The advances in design have led to creation of user interfaces of apps which aren’t just pretty-looking & functional but dig deep in your psyche and make a home in it.
Once it’s a made a home, we continue to provide it with brick & mortar unknowingly and whatever it needs for it to keep expanding it’s estate. It becomes a friendly neighbor to all others that inhabit your psyche. It goes to your palace of mindfulness & says,
“I’m new here. Don’t worry about me at all — I’m very chill. Love thy neighbor! WOHOO!”
Then it saunters to your town of creativity, & announces,
“I’m the cool neighbor next door. FYI I can help you out with all your creative projects. Just holler when you need me.”
After, it finds its way to the mansion of ego, & instantly feels like it belongs. It says,
“BRO! Where have you been? I’ve been making announcements all over and felt a hostile vibe but I honestly feel like home here! Do you mind if I come over every now & then?”
It starts helping the mansion of ego to grow, day by day until one day it accidentally walks into the “Temple of Self” where no one goes. It goes in and says,
“HELLO? Is this the Temple of Self?”
“HELLLOOOOOO??”
It keeps shouting until a light so strong comes from inside that it annihilates it and the mansion of ego that grew strong & large in no time.
After a fiery scene, Instagram goes crawling back to where it belongs….in the playground of the mind.
Where all things that the mind calls upon when it wants to play belong.
“If you don’t control your mind, someone else will.” — John Alston.
