The Magic Land of Esoteric Festival

It still amazes me how a vast piece of barren land is induced with so much life & spirit one weekend, once a year, enough to make it your new world for the time you spend there. It doesn’t feel like a vacation or a break away, it feels like a world you inhabit, where you have a whole different identity.

It’s Tuesday morning (one day after I returned from Esoteric) and as I stand here, writing this blog, my eyes well up with tears as I unwind the beauty that surrounded me this weekend of Esoteric Festival.

For many times I have looked upon the sky, stared into the eyes of the stars or the wise branches of the trees, to express gratitude for the life that I am and I live. For many times I have broken down, piecing up the puzzle of my life & identity together, and found the answer in seemingly random yet finely attuned clues of life. Esoteric Festival was one of those clues.

Clue 1: “There is magic everywhere — even in the darkest of caverns”

As I danced in the crowd to the energising beats of psytrance, I felt a wave of vulnerability take over. I had lost Abhay & Tomas somewhere and knowing that finding your friends in a festival is mostly a futile attempt, I tried to calm my inner world through finding rhythm. I got locked into a couple of beautiful dancers, who danced in the muck with absolutely no care & the sun shining on them like spotlight. In trying to mimic their moves, I truly lost myself to dance. An hour later, I still hadn’t found them, so I decided to storm to where our campervan was parked. I shot through the crowd with despair & most of all, my own vulnerability, to be held by Abhay. Closely & tightly. I found them chatting with their faces dug into the AC of the car. I yelled with full force before falling into Abhay’s arms as I was both angry & relieved. I was finally where I belonged in that moment. I guess you never truly stop discovering the depths of the love you hold within. The moment you think you’ve hit a brick wall & that you can’t possibly love any more, all the bricks fall to reveal yet another grand pathway for you to venture upon and yet more love for you to feel & give. We walked into a small stage called “Lovelution” which was a cozy tent meant for doofers looking to dance in a small space & watching the decks unmanned, Abhay sped to take charge. He started to play and very slowly, I blended into the music & felt myself soften with every transition he made. In a matter of a few minutes, all our friends made their way to the tent and before you knew it, it became a party of our own. We all danced joyfully, and if you were to look upon us from the outside, we’d look like a bunch of kids fooling around. This moment right here was so perfectly aligned that it felt too good to be true. The music pulled us all in like a glue and transformed our inner world until it was perfectly blended with the intent of the music. As I glimpsed open my eyes, I saw Natalia jumping gleefully & barely touching the ground, Ana lit in the sun with her goddess energy spreading to every inch of the tent, Fabien dancing & lighting up the collective spirit, Tomas finding ways to capture the magic, Roudi dancing ferociously, Jerome smiling (as he usually always is) & dancing with Kelly, MJ softly flowing. In a moment that looks almost choreographed intentionally, you can’t help but pick up the clue of “There is magic everywhere — even when you’re venturing into the dark scary caverns of your inner world. If you only remember to look.”

Then there was Abhay. In the background. Playing music that could be taken as a backdrop to a moment like this but if you look closely enough, you realize that it is THE MUSIC that’s choreographing it all.

Clue 2: When you’re tired, find a hammock

We became loyal patrons of the Bush Techno stage — leaving only for necessary breaks to respond to the needs of nature (poop/pee). Tomas, Abhay and I, decided to give our feet some rest as we all forced ourselves to fit in a bleak hammock that surprisingly did well in holding us up. It was tied to the trunks of two trees and was right beneath the open night sky that adorned the necklace of the Milky Way which shone with the brightness of the stars like diamonds. We felt so primal — reduced to shitting, eating, sleeping, dancing & every while, catching a sunset or the night sky. Squished tightly against each other on the hammock, we began to take a trip down the adventurous memory lane of our friendship. We sat there, expressing gratitude for each other, & all that we’ve unlearned & relearned to become who we are/who we will become. We hold so much love, respect & acceptance for each other that the intensity of it all really sweeps you off your own feet. I was left dumbfounded at my own fate….. How did I even find these two? How am I so loved and how can I love them so damn much?

There is one thing that Tomas mentioned that will always stick with me, probably even revive me when I forget to live from a place of gratitude. Zim, one of our friends, asked Tomas, what animal I would be, and both of them answered, “Mama Bear” and in that moment, it was like everything I ever manifested since I was a kid was captured by one playful answer.

Clue 3: Be yourself, most times anyway

There are moments when I question myself. I know myself to be straightforward, blunt & verging on rude sometimes, but always authentic. I question whether authenticity is worth it sometimes if it comes at the cost of people’s feelings. I found myself in two different situations which had me really question this. First one was when I felt emotionally fragile (referring to the scene in Clue 1) and Ana came to ask me how I was doing. I started jumbling my words up for I really didn’t know how I was doing. Ana is someone very close to me & she sensed I wanted some time alone so gave me space to heal. The second time, it happened when Tomas, Abhay and I, wandered off somewhere, leaving two of our friends behind who were expecting us to wait. They wanted to make some memories with us that night and in wandering off, we didn’t really give them a chance to do that. When we realized what had happened, it was too late to find them.

In both the situations, I started questioning myself, whether I said things the right way or said the right things. As I went to Ana the next day, I fell into her the softness of her skin & stayed there for quite some time. I described to her the events that transpired the previous day, and she being who she is, fed me while she imparted wisdom from a book she’s reading & expressed gratitude for the simple things in life. I felt the need to express how I felt with her for that seemed to be the right thing to do. In the other situation, I didn’t feel the need to preface it with a reason however, all the well knowing that my friends would’ve probably wanted it. Both situations yielded a different outcome, however, made me realize that whenever I tried to wander off from the place of authenticity & truth, I had to walk a longer path until I was back at the same place again. Whenever I tried to be someone I wasn’t or questioned myself for being who I am, I had to first ALWAYS accept that it’s human to have your imperfections then reason which imperfections yielded the most drastic outcomes for your attention. This attention will direct your decision-making when you’re forced to make a choice between being yourself or not to achieve a certain outcome. You realize that most situations in life are reduced to your own subjective experience of them and your inner navigation is all there is.

Know you. Accept you. Become you.

Clue 4: When in doubt, just dance

Festivals give you so much space & freedom to be yourself, no matter who that is. Sometimes, you might be broken & sometimes, you might not ever see the end of your joy. However, whenever in doubt, just have a boogie. Whenever I viewed people as “others” and I found myself thinking & doubting, I could barely find the joy. However, when I shifted my perspective to seeing people as one big family and tried to mimic their moves, it’s like everything would fall into its place. My body would find its rhythm, I loose the track of whatever thought was gnawing at me, and steadily, all that was left was dancing.

Clue 5: Nature heals

The moments I spent under the stars, in the forest, walking barefoot, or burning in the bright sun at the festival were so precious. The backdrop of nature softens everything, from people to conversations to experiences. When you find yourself having the ordinary experiences of life with awe, you light up like a child again.

Diary of moments:

Moment 1:

Watching Ana cry on the day we were leaving as she recalled the moment at the Lovelution camp when Abhay began to play and all of us were united in joy

Moment 2:

Lying under the vast open night sky, late at night with Roudi, MJ & Abhay

Moment 3:

Watching the sunset on the mattress placed on the roof of our van, while munching on Prawn crackers & coconut water with Tomas & Abhay

Moment 4:

Saying “FUCK IT” whenever we thought we were having too much fun & might have to be responsible for once

Moment 5:

Sitting in the forest with Abhay, wrapped in his arms, and dancing with him at the Bush Techno stage

Moment 6:

Short breaks with Tomas to watch the night sky or sneak a dance at the Ascension stage before returning as loyal patrons to Bush Techno

Moment 7:

Bumping into Cooper on the first day and squishing him in a tight hug

Moment 8:

Dancing with Lucas, this beautiful & energetic dancer whom I’d never forget

Moment 9:

Dancing with our whole crew on Gabriel’s set with the backdrop of the beautiful sunset

Moment 10:

Laughing until 6am in the morning in one of the tiny houses with Tomas & Abhay and watching Abhay absolutely perplexed when we asked him what kind of vegetable he would be

Moment 11:

Watching Fabien & Ana kiss as we said goodbye to them

Until next time, Esoteric family!