Who are you and how would you know?

I’ve been asking this question “Who Am I?” for years now. Growing up, I was told,

“You are so smart. Your academic grades are excellent.”

So that became me. Smart.

When my rebellious teens began, I was told,

“You are very rebellious and don’t pay heed to the rules. You need to discipline yourself.”

So that became me. Rebellious.

When I began to date a boy & my parents found out, I was told,

“We have given you so much in life. How could you do this to us?”

So that became me. An unsatisfactory daughter.

When I broke up with my second boyfriend, I was told,

“Your heart never settles. It’s always searching. You might not ever stick around for someone long enough.”

So that became me. A flippant romantic.

When I had acne, I was told,

“You have a lot of pimples. You need to see a dermatologist.”

When that didn’t help, I was told,

“You need to try home remedies.”

That didn’t help either. So that became me. A girl with pimples.

When I applied nail-paint for the first time, I was told,

“You should not be applying nail-paint and getting influenced by the girls in your class. Stand out, don’t be the sheep.”

So that became me. Not the sheep.

When I sent flowers to a good friend in the US, I was told,

“You are such a caring friend.”

So that became me. A caring friend.

So I picked up all these definitions as an answer to who I was.

Smart. Rebellious. An unsatisfactory daughter. A flippant romantic. A girl with pimples. Not the sheep. A caring friend.

I never really questioned it. I continued to live in alignment with the definitions that were gifted to me throughout my life.

If I ever failed to live up to the definitions that were given to me, I would be so distraught. If I didn’t get good grades, I never wanted to own up to it because that would mean I’m not smart. If I didn’t answer my mom’s call for the fourth time in the day, I felt guilty because I was living up to the title of an unsatisfactory daughter that I didn’t want to be. When I fell in love, I was too scared to fall in love because I saw myself as a flippant romantic. I never wanted to apply make-up or nail paint because I didn’t want to be the sheep. I was too scared to disappoint my friends because I was supposed to be a caring friend.

My actions & decisions, for most of my life, have been inspired by trying to conform to the definitions created by others…..of me.

As I was blatantly walking down this path that was laid out by clues containing definitions people had left for me, another one emerged. It was blurry & not trodden upon because I couldn’t see any clues on this one. I didn’t know how I was supposed to walk without the clues so I stumbled. Yet, something deep inside me nudged me to walk on it.

No clues appeared but something peculiar happened.

I began to lead the path instead of responding to the clues that were laid on my previous one.

I began to make decisions that felt right. I didn’t know much about how my internal compass operated but that’s all I had with me. A lot of the definitions were flipped.

I wasn’t interested in academia anymore to prove my smartness. I desired innate wisdom.

I wasn’t intrigued by rebellious behavior, however, I became passionate about challenging the status quo, with due consideration.

I didn’t want to be defined by the demands of what it meant to be a good daughter. I simply wanted to be there for my parents in their joys & sorrows and in their time of need.

I didn’t have a care to give about pimples or nailpaint. I simply decided to take charge of my wellbeing as a whole, because that’s what mattered to me. A healthy mind, body & spirit that translated into physical beauty.

I didn’t want to be labelled a good friend for providing things. I simply desired friendships that held space for my state of being in return for the same.

I never was a flippant romantic, I was simply a teenager who didn’t know any better. All I had to do was surrender into the love that came into my life and learn to swim in it. So here I am, deeply in love with a human being I’ve been with for over 9 years.

Negating the definitions haven’t brought me closer to the question I’ve been asking all these years, but it has helped me in creating my own definition of myself.

That definition is ______________________

It is blank because if I define myself now, I will simply be authoring my own clues. I will act a certain way that doesn’t match my own definition then wonder,

“You are supposed to be like this then why would you do this?”

I single handedly have the potential to do what took an entire army of people through the whole of my life through simply having my own catalogue of definitions of who I’m supposed to be.

Don’t get me wrong, I have done that & still continue to do that so what I describe here, is what I know to be theoretically true.

I have walked into important meetings at work & not known what to say and given myself an identity crisis because the way I defined myself was as this confident person who knows exactly what to do at all times.

I have guilt-tripped myself for days because I didn’t resonate with someone and the way I defined myself was as this person who could resonate with any person on earth and not resonating meant I was not living up to my expectations.

I have felt terrible about enjoying a glass of wine every other day because the way I continue to define myself is this nutritious person who knows better than that.

Defining myself has not been any better than other people defining me, in terms of getting to know myself & nurturing my innate potential. Each one of us harbors potential for change, thus holding the power to define ourselves as whoever we want to be in this world. However, I’ve come to believe that any definition we can give ourselves falls short of capturing our evolving essence of what it means to be a human ie. us ie. me.

So instead, I’m trying to simply follow the compass of my character which I know to be curious. The power of change allows me to nurture & grow the potential that my curiosity points towards. Four months ago, it told me to look into Kung Fu. So I began the practice. It resonated deeply with me. Thus, I built a consistent discipline that would build the structure I needed to nurture & grow the potential.

Following my inner compass has allowed me to explore interests that are not confined to someone else’s or my own definitions so at the very least, I can get closer to knowing myself through things in the world that truly stand out to me.

I know this is going to be a lifelong journey, but at least it will be a journey that I lead with curiosity (which feels like following my truth), instead of a treasure hunt that does ultimately lead me to an answer to “Who Am I?” but the definition was provided collectively by every one else but me.

“Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom.” — Lao Tzu.